Purpose and identity is something so many of us as adoptees struggle with. In my life, it’s always been hard for me to “fit in” or feel like I belong. As a foster kid, you are placed from home to home and family to family. You are loved by one and cut off by them within a week. That mentality sticks with many of us fosters and it affects us in our day-to-day lives.
After I was adopted from foster care, I felt a weird sense of “out of place.” The psychological aspect of me leaving an entire culture and state and going somewhere different always just was odd. When we had family over, I felt like I should be with them but also like I didn’t belong. I felt like a charity case and that they were only loving me out of charity and not out of organic love. When I was in school, I questioned if I would be treated the same because I was adopted. Or if others would hate me because of my background.
When I was in 8th grade I was told by someone within the church that God could never and will never love me as much as others because of my biological mother's addiction issues and sex work for money. I had no control over how I was conceived, but I believed that lie. I was driven where sadly many adoptees are and that was depression and eventually suicidal attempts. I thought if God couldn’t love me as much then why to have a life. What was my purpose and why should I even exist. One night I had made the decision that tonight was “the night.” I was ready to end it all, so I went and grabbed a knife and tried to lift it. But oddly it didn’t budge. I felt this overwhelming sense of love and God's affection being poured over me. I heard distinctly in my head “You Are Loved By Me And I Have A Plan For You!” I immediately dropped the knife and began sobbing, and my parents came out to see me there just in a hall of emotions. They immediately made some changes to my life and helped me get on a path of spiritual, physical, and emotional healing.
One day when we were at the store, I was trying frantically to find the right hair products for my curly hair. I had recently decided to grow out my hair, and I had no clue how to care for it. Then out of nowhere this black lady walked up and said. “Baby I just felt like God led me here to tell you that you are a beautiful person and that He has a purpose for you, I can see you are looking for hair products, would you like me to help you!” This lady literally met me when I needed it most. She had no clue I had just come out of a really dark place and I needed reassurance of myself in being a creation of God. Her words have stuck with me to this day, and it was because of her that I have so much passion in my life to help others. We never saw where she went and she quite literally disappeared and we couldn’t find her anywhere. We are not one hundred percent sure, but we believe this woman was either a lady called by God or an angel sent by God!
I now have found so much passion in working for fellow adoptees and I absolutely love being a part of this amazing work we are doing at NSTU! I now serve as a pro-life activist and a foster care reformist to better the lives of future children who might have similar experiences as I did.